10/8/10

Glenn Beck is a Whiner

How can people listen to this shit?

9/10/10

I ain't afraid of no mosques

Ok. I'm calling it. The "Ground Zero Mosque" controversy is officially the stupidest thing to happen to America since the Iraqi WMD fiasco.

I mean look at this shit:

As of today, hundreds of Redditors have begun challenging the anti-mosquers on their own turf, that being Facebook groups like "We the People Say No to a Mosque at blah blah blah."

In the end, the verbal battle is a disheartening read. Clearly no rational discourse is possible with people who have this media induced mob mentality. Therefore, I am making it my policy that every time I am confronted with the "Ground Zero Mosque" issue, I will do my damnedest to turn the conversation into a discussion about Ghostbusters. For example:







Tip: adding GB photos to anti-mosque Facebook pages is a great way to foster a healthier discussion. Remind people that Vigo the Carpathian is the real enemy here. In other words, when logic and name calling have failed, confuse the shit out of them.


8/24/10

Great Wall of Assholes

The Chinese traffic jam is hilarious. Just look at these sorry fuckers.
Now that's what I call a truckers' bath. Photo: AP
Stretching for 60 miles over an eleven day period (so far), thousands of trucks and cars are stuck inching along the Beijing-Tibet highway. Call me a bastard, but I'm happy to see cracks starting to spread along the face of the industrial age. War, pollution, economic disaster, and famine weren't enough to force widespread recognition of the coming energy/population crisis. Maybe two week long traffic jams are inconvenient enough to do the trick. 
Since a very similar jam happened in 2004,  the problem has only gotten worse. Without intercession, I can easily imagine scenarios where the Chinese and Indians start dying in record numbers and begin annexing their neighbors by acts of war once their countries simply can't support any more people. Population grows, resources deplete, social tensions rise, and the capacity for human death and destruction increases exponentially. It's basically what happens to deer. Yes, deer. Let's look at a graph:

Here we see the assumed population of the St. Matthew Island reindeer herd from 1944 to 1966. It doesn't really matter where St. Matthew Island is or even that this is a herd of reindeer or even where I got this graph. What matters is that this population graph can be applied to virtually any living thing on earth.

It's called a J-Curve, or an exponential curve, and it's what you get when a species reproduces with no environmentally limiting factor. In this case I'm guessing that due to over-hunting of wolves, or something like that, these reindeer had no natural predator. So they fucked until the food ran out, at which point the population crashes to near extinction. In 1966 the number of individuals is estimated to be 42, just 13 more animals than were alive 22 years ago. It's staggering really, but makes perfect sense from a food source supply and demand standpoint.

The healthier population curve is called "logistic" and looks more like an S. Here's a comparison:


So imagine that in graph (a) no wolves lived on St. Matthew's Island. Now imagine in graph (b) there was a proportionately healthy population of wolves coexisting with the reindeer and naturally checking the deer population growth through hunting. The wolves function as an environmental limiter, along with any number of other variables in a given ecosystem.

Now, apply these same ideas to humans and the problem is clear: we have no natural predator. Since the Industrial Revolution, we've used technology to circumvent all environmental limitations to population size. When resources begin to run out, we import them or invent them. With industry and a carefully balanced economy, modern civilizations grow unfettered by the lack of food, potable water, and shelter that stymied our ancestors and kept populations in check. Just look at the mess we're in:

RUN! J-CURVE!
Scary right? And not just because it's red. Here's a blowup of the really interesting elbow of this graph:

Gotta love the bubonic plague. Sorry, Mother Nature, at least you tried. Notice we recover fairly quickly from the plague, stabilize, and then boom some asshole invents piston and cylinder engines. Our population skyrockets immediately. 

In a very real way, the historic population limiter of humans has been the ultimate limitations of our bodies and the amount of work we can do without machines. When the steam engine broke that constraint, well, all Hell broke loose. 

And it was magnificent. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Luddite. I adore technology and the achievements of mankind during the modern age are completely praiseworthy. Men and women in space. Massive electrical networks. Miniaturization of electronics. Medicine. The Internet! Cirque du Soleil!!!

We deserve to be proud of our achievements, but the time for resting on laurels is long gone. The scientific challenges at the millennium's doorstep are exponentially greater than any we've encountered before. Having truly globalized in terms of industry, communication, and population, we now face planet sized problems. While we've been at the Circus, China and India have begun to boil over.


The Earth will not hold an unlimited amount of human beings. We must either self-impose population limits or colonize other planets. 

Despite the clarity and almost elementary nature of this fact, bullshit-liars, supreme-leaders, war-mongers, and profiteers refuse to acknowledge the gravity of the situation. They can't be bothered with anything but filling their pockets and pursuing whatever's good for them in the extreme near-term. Shame on you, you bastard shadowy faceless elites.

But shame on the middle class too. We'd rather live in a booth at fucking Chili's with a ranch dressing IV than stop to consider for just a moment that our entire cocked-up species might be facing extinction. Wake up America, Europe, China, Russia, Brazil, Japan, etc. Raise your faces from the awesome blossoms, vodka, and hentai long enough to imagine a world where nobody gives a shit about oil because we're all starving to death.

The middle classes aren't completely powerless. We've got spending power. Vote with your dollars and start actually holding our leaders (political/social/economic) accountable for their words, their promises, and their actions. Once we have their attention we can initiate massive funding of alternative energy research and before you know it, I'll be a 200 year old consciousness living in an android on my way to Tau-Ceti inside a space-ship made out of nanotech-super-material.

Remember when we used to dream big, middle class? Ranch dressing is not the zenith of human ingenuity. Neither is Futbol. And, I love it, but neither is fuckin' Cirque du Soleil. So yes, shame on me and you: the self-obsessed, pleasure seeking middle class.

What is worth waiting in this line for two weeks?
Finally, what I've been dying to say this entire rant: shame on the lower class. You disappointed me guys. I underestimated your capacity for suffering. You'd rather be dirty, hungry, and miserable in an endless Chinese traffic jam than to throw your bodies on the gears and say, "Enough." Isn't there a single courageous uncorrupted leader among you to organize the end of all this? Did you expect your fat friends in America to do it for you? Why would we? We're too comfortable, generations away from the kind of suffering you've begun to accept as routine. To the poor of India and China, you're on the thinnest peaks of the J-Curve and it might be too late to pull up on the stick. Ironically, I see your latest giant traffic jam as a glimmer of hope.

If biology couldn't stop the endless march of babies and automobiles, maybe physics has a shot. When there simply isn't enough room left in the god-damn Eastern hemisphere to parallel park a Vespa, maybe the world will get serious about over-population and all the problems that follow.

Get on a logistic population curve or colonize space. Those are your choices humans. Personally, I'm hoping for the space option.

Sincerely,

EG

8/20/10

The Internet Loves You

The internet loves you. It wants to teach you and entertain you and gratify your most intimate sexual fantasies. Here's my favorite stuff from today:

1. A badass article on IO9 discusses how light mapping can reveal the patterns and colors worn off of ancient statues by time.

2. Disney regularly recycled animation for certain projects with smaller budgets, time constraints, etc.


3. Today Gawker reminded me that perception is completely dependent and in many ways handicapped by perspective. For example, Justin Beiber sounds like the voice of God when played 800% slower than normal. Here's an 8 times longer version of U Smile.

J. BIEBZ - U SMILE 800% SLOWER by Shamantis

 I felt like I was at church. It was nice. It was Justin Beiber.

8/11/10

WTF Elton John?


Hey Rocketman, what the fuck are you doing playing at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? If I was gay, I would never listen to you again. Incredible as that sentence sounds, it's true. You fucked up, Sugar Bear.

I'm sure everyone already knew this, as the wedding happened months ago, but the pictures were just released today. Shocking. Why Sir Elton, why?

Oh wait, you were paid a million dollars. Certainly a fair price for serenading a man who would probably crush your neck under the heel of his boot for sexual gratification. Cheers to the newlyweds.

8/10/10

Best Piano Tuner Ever

Click for legibility.
Via Reddit

8/2/10

Spencer's Gifts knows how to party



Remember Spencer's Gifts? That place with all the posters of hot guys in fireman costumes and women in wet white t-shirts? And all the "over-the-hill" turning forty gag gift stuff? Right, I hated those places. But for some reason, when our mall still had one, I went in there every time. I don't know why.

On a recent nostalgia kick I looked them up online and happened to notice the top five most popular items sold online. Sounds like my kind of party. Check it out:


Next Saturday night = laser show on the ceiling during a mean beer pong tournament followed by a pole dancing exhibition culminating in BDSM on the beer pong table. At some point I will probably re-create the James Bond tied to a table about to be cut in half scene with the Green Laser Kaleidoscope.

7/30/10

He's snatching your people up

I thought this jiggly offering would be my favorite news video for at least six months and boy was I wrong. Check this out. It gets epic around 1:00.


Oh Antoine Dodson, Victim's Brother, will you please be my new best friend? I just want you to read the newspaper to me while I drink champagne and chain smoke Kents.

7/22/10

Those clever Japanese...the iDish

idish sushi ipad eatingidish sushi ipad eating

I love this guy! I think his name is Shiina Takahiko and he's eating sushi off an iPad. Except he's calling it the iDish. He even uses an iPhone as a soy sauce side dish. This type of revolutionary thinking paired with a total disregard for the delicacy of expensive and fragile gadgets get's Shiina's post an A+ rating from me.

I want to see someone do this in public.

7/21/10

Teacup Pig Strikes Back


Galoshes pig says Dik Diks may have won the battle but they haven't won the war.

7/20/10

I miss the old Jon and Kate


A gem from Reddit. The real "also boughts" from that item are truly a cavalcade of shit. Two words "Nurse Jackie." I'm just sayin'.

7/19/10

Alpha Glass


This is the wine glass you need. A whole bottle in a glass. It must be huge. That woman must have some serious man hands.

7/8/10

10 Irrepressible Childhood Memories

If you grew up in the 80's/90's, these are the voices in your head. Jingles, theme songs, and promos mainlined into our culture by nefarious producers preying on susceptible children. Let's spotlight a few hits from the collected detritus floating in our media addled brains.

1. USA Network's- "In a Minute" 

In a minute. In a minute. In a minute. In a minute. Al-fucking-right already. Next time just fade up on the program and spare me the first eight seconds. The "In a Minute" voices haunt my adult life. USA ran these supposedly educational/entertaining shorts during a fantastic programming block called Cartoon Express. Just watching this Cartoon Express promo makes me want to eat generic brand lemon creme cookies and fall asleep after my great aunt puts on the 700 club.


2. ABC's- "After these messages..." IDs

Let's skip right over the part where I was gender confused by the head swap during the first one of these despicably catchy network IDs. For nearly two decades I've been singing this in the shower, in my car, at the grocery store, in coin-op nudie booths, and at funerals. Clearly it's never going away and at this point, I just wish the god damned thing was longer.


3. The Bagelbites Song

In 1990, Bagel Bites murdered my metabolism in cold blood. Having the song stuck in my head has been a near daily reminder of why I was a fat, albeit jolly, child. It's pizza you can have any time. And the commercial told my mom she should feel good about giving them to me. Nothing better than throwing down half a dozen pizza bagels followed by two blueberry frosted pop-tarts and a glass of chocolate milk while watching Saved by the Bell. Why, as an adult, do I no longer eat those things? They didn't get any less great. And fuck no I don't toast my pop-tarts. You too good for the microwave? Fuck you.

7/6/10

Prince is an Idiot

Prince, noted information technologies expert
Irrelevant musician Prince has declared the internet to be a waning fad, refusing to release his newest and no doubt worst album via any digital platform. Why? Because "the internet's completely over," according to his highness. Prince chose instead to stick free CD copies of his latest discharge on the cover of London's Daily Mirror Newspaper.

Smart move you clever purple bastard. We all know newspapers are the hippest thing going and will no doubt be around forever. Now somebody burn that shit and seed it on bit torrent. I'm hosting a flavored dildo tasting party tonight and need some appropriate background music.

6/30/10

Teacup Pigs Vs. Baby Dik Diks

Old and busted: Teacup Pigs. New Hotness:  Kirk's Dik Diks. See for yourself.


Father, Son, and the Holy Toast

Via Reddit

6/23/10

BP's Baby Mail Still Online

A message for Billy Nungesser
Fed up with Oil-bama and the BP Executive Elite? Feel like your voice isn't being heard? Send a baby mail, courtesy of BP's horribly cutesy "a little better gas station" campaign circa 2007. Choose one of four dumb babies, accessorize them, then baby-mail your political leaders or share it on your Boycott BP Facebook Page.

I picked a bandit mask and a beach setting. Seemed appropriate. Then I selected a special message for Billy Nungesser, a Louisiana politician who's super pissed about the government halting his effort to block oil from the shore.

No one can resist a message from a baby, so make your own and tell the do-nothings in Washington how you really feel!

Bonus: Here's an old commercial featuring the BPabies. It's hard to remember a time when four perfectly diverse cartoon infants could drive around listening to KidzBop without worrying about burning turtles. I bet Tony Hayward jams this song on the yacht.

6/22/10

You clever little bastard

A glimpse of Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters in their teenage years.

6/16/10

Workin' Out


I love this picture. Anybody that can provide context should drop me a line. Email in profile.

6/11/10

Back to you, Tits McGee

The strain of a sagging economy is written all over the faces of Dallas-Fort Worth's local news anchors. People are losing their jobs and my guess would be that viewership is steadily slipping away, lost to Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper, and the whole 24hr news cycle.

So the local news station, one of the last bastions of honorable televised reporting, must either re-invent itself or attempt to compete with the glitz, sleaze, and utter vacuity that is modern cable news. Watch this crap-tastic broadcast from DFW's independent CW33 titled, "The Popularity of Breasts" and tell me where you think we're headed.

 
Jesus H. Christ. That poor, poor news team. They almost appear to be under duress, like the News Director has a shotgun trained on them. I've seen this five times and still can't believe it's real.

From "My Humps" playing over the open to the final "more breasts this way" drive to their website, this is the most stupefying news segment I've ever witnessed. Idiocracy has arrived, at least in Dallas, TX. I can't decide whether to protest or just say f*#k it and head to the Tilted Kilt.

The only good thing about this piece is the line, "Since the beginning of time, there have been prehistoric beasts, the battle for survival and breasts." That is now the first sentence of my novel.

Via UncleBarky.com, a truly fantastic DFW media blog.

Sleep is Death

Three days ago, I found out about a video game called Sleep is Death and I haven't been able to write or do much of anything else since. A loooooong review is coming soon but for now, see if you can figure it out for yourself. The download runs on a sliding scale, though the minimum is $1.75 to cover bandwidth.

That's nothing for a game with more storytelling potential than any other title in gaming history. I swear I'll write again soon. Till then, see you on SidTube.com.

6/7/10

Survival Gun of Choice: The Big F'ing .357 Revolver

hellboys Samaritan revolver model
The Samaritan, Hellboy's Handgun
In an apocalyptic survival scenario, any gun is better than no gun. But seeing as the bomb hasn't dropped yet, I'm doing my best to end up with a big f'ing revolver. Sadly, Hellboy's Samaritan revolver doesn't actually exist so I'll go with a simple .357 Magnum. Here's why:

1. Reliability. The less complex mechanisms of  traditional revolvers don't jam nearly so often as automatic pistols.

2. Durability. Fewer moving parts and an all-metal construction means your pistol could still be holding off blood hungry hoards  when the sun re-appears. Polymer frames are for short-timers.

3. Flexibility. The .357 Magnum cartridge is based on Smith and Wesson's older .38 Special. While the magnum packs a lot more power, the cases are actually the same diameter and your .357 will happily shoot .38 bullets. That means more potential sources of ammunition. Plus these common calibers should be easier to find than more exotic sizes.

4. Power compromise. .357 sits perfectly in the middle of the power spectrum. You won't break your wrist, but even the largest zombie will be stopped in its stump dragging tracks. If the kid has to guard while you investigate potential food sources, load up .38's for less kick.

5. Weight. More comforting than a .38 without the near tonnage of a Desert Eagle .50 cal. It's a gun that feels good in the hand and bad in the back of your enemy's head after you resort to pistol whipping.

You Nasty, NBC Chicago

screengrab NBC Chicago vomiting man
Click for clear version
Think what you will about us, but HTL would never sucker-punch you with a picture of a guy vomiting. Especially not while you try to finish a sloppy breakfast croissan-wich after drinking too many cape cods yesterday. Well, that's more than I can say about NBC Chicago.

Apparently their "news" item about a man throwing vomit filled condoms (not safe for breakfast crossain-wich) at a college campus security officer just wasn't visual enough. So they looked around for an AP photo of somebody hurling and came up with a spray-tastic picture. A quick glance at the file name reveals the photo's source as Philadelphia's Wing Bowl (nsfbc), a rather raunchy looking eating contest

What's the rationale here? The average public isn't imaginative enough to visualize vomit filled condoms? Thanks for your help NBC Chicago. I had forgotten what a fat guy puking looked like since I took the bicycle mirror off my toilet. .

I've never understood the compulsion to put a barely related generic photograph at the head of these little webby articles. Maybe it dresses up the page but Christ, in some cases it's just inappropriate. And insulting, honestly. I don't need to see a picture of yellow crime scene tape on asphalt every time you write about a fucking shooting or robbery or whatever. If I couldn't read, how would I have gotten to your site? It's the internet, not a See 'n Say.

So thanks for the fine journalism guys. Can't wait to see the visual aids for your upcoming necrophilia series. Also, I'd love to meet the 8% of people who identified that condom throwing story as boring. Their daily lives must be absolutely incredible.

6/3/10

12 Spillcams and Nothing on

WKRG has all 12 spillcams in a live multiplex!
For the actual (and really cool) spillcam multiplex go to WKRG.

Golden Girl

There are now more living Beatles than Golden Girls.
And then there was one. Rue McClanahan, best known for her role as Blanche Devereaux on the television sitcom Golden Girls, has died from a stroke at age 76. Rue, if you're reading this from heaven, I want you to know something. During your final hours I was drunk watching Golden Girls and admiring how it still holds up, twenty years later. Really, I'd rather watch Golden Girls than eighty percent of the trash on television today.

Not interested in Golden Girls? Think it's a show for old people? Well then don't let me hear your trendy ass butchering Modern Family lines while I eavesdrop on your booth adjacent to mine at the Chili's in Lufkin, Texas.

David and Christopher Lloyd
See, Christopher Lloyd, not Doc Brown but rather the co-creator of Modern Family, wrote eleven episodes of Golden Girls and he was story editor/executive script consultant on sixty-two more. He was also heavily involved in Wings and Frasier with his father David Lloyd, who wrote pretty much everything on television between 1970 and 1990.

So the next time you crack up at Cam's latest diva flourish, ask yourself if maybe there's a little Blanche Devereaux in his character. Then do yourself a favor and spend some time with the coolest older women I know. Other than my grandmas.

6/2/10

10 Women in Cheap Food Costumes

I'm sick and tired of my pedestrian sexual proclivities. Here's my latest attempt to develop a unique fetish: "Women in Cheap Food Costumes."

1. "Just Shoot Me"
The cap really makes this one work

2. "California Roll in the Hay"
The always popular Eat Sushi Off Me girl

3. "Berry Pickin'"
The No-Panties strawberry

5/21/10

Dig Dug's Inferno

The enormous garbage patches drifting in ocean gyres have me completely depressed. For the past 24 hours, all I've been able to do is drink and play free online video games.

Today I'm drinking Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA and Kettle One Vodka, in separate glasses.

Today I played Go to Hell!, a decent arcade game with an old school feel. Needs a bit more variety, but at least it's challenging. Also, the main character is a needy little bastard and can't really defend himself. I would have preferred to play it as Dig Dug...perhaps he could be travelling to Hell to rescue his dead lover or some shit like that. Anyway, give it a shot.


5/14/10

Consecrated E-mail Host

The opportunistic bastards fine folks over at Jesusanswers.com want to provide you with free email service! All you have to do put up with an inordinate amount of advertising and YourName@jesusanswers.com can be yours. Click here to sign up.

Sorry, but I already snagged whenIcallasexhotline@jesusanswers.com. Please write. I'll be checking it frequently.

Speaking of checking your e-mail, apparently Christ keeps up with the times. Visit this link to e-mail Jesus. You might want to wear sunglasses, the page is pretty bright. I've sent an email to the site's owners asking what happens to the queries once they're sent. I'll report back here once I know if our emails are even getting to Jesus.

5/10/10

The Apocalyst - HTL's Post-Armageddon Picks

hard to live apocalypse list key

Like most practical people, I keep a list of who will be in my team/survivalist pack during the coming End Times. As nature and God continue to delay the inevitable, there are times when I must sadly cross a team member off of the Apocalyst. Pingping, the World's Smallest Man, we will never forget your joyful contributions. Rest in Peace.

On the other hand, congratulations to new World's Smallest Man and new team member #11, Khagendra Thapa Magar, measuring in at 1.83 feet. That's even smaller than Pingping, which I don't understand, but whatever. You'll be great for getting into tight spots. Read on to meet the rest of the team.

5/7/10

Frontiers in BIGotry

Sigh...Charleston's Post and Courier recently took a public crap. Check this shit out:

If you feel guilty after reading this article, don't worry! You're not a fattist, you're just an idiot. I understand that Ken Burger probably whipped this up to capitalize on the whole Lane Bryant censored ad controversy but he could have spent more than ten minutes on it. By the middle of the article, Ken can barely remember why he even started the damn thing. It's like he wrote the beginning, passed out, came to and just started quoting obesity statistics.

Enough about his writing, the real problem is this whole idea of "fattists" or how about "fatism" since we're all making up words now? Look at Ken's laughable definition of a fattist:
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