My new friend, Howly Mandel
Needless to say, I pretty much feel like I have a pet wolf now and quite frankly, I'd be shocked if wolf ani-gifs don't become the height of internet fashion within the next five years. In fact, I'm willing to make a $5 long bet if anybody is interested.
In an effort to stay ahead of the curve, Howly and I strolled over to one of the more obnoxious places on the internet, Heather's Animations. Heather has apparently spent her entire adult life organizing and hosting animated gifs and now offers thousands in categories ranging from "Africa People" to "Wolves." Prepare to get torn to shreds.
The HunterA ragged yet regal looking male approaches cautiously from the tree line. Prey still quivers between his powerful jaws. He regards you for a moment before presenting his gift to you, friend of the forest. Then he picks it up. And puts it back down. Over and over again. Eventually you lose interest.
StarlightHoly shit! Look at this bad boy. I can't tell if he wants to screw me or tear me apart. This grandma eater sparkles like a Twilight vampire getting beamed up to the Enterprise. Seriously that is one fabulous wolf.
BullshitGod damn it, Heather. That's a fucking coyote and everybody knows it. Get your shit together.
Time-WolfAnd suddenly all is forgiven. Just feast your eyes on Time-Wolf, scourge of the fifth dimension. His awesome power is to travel inter-dimensionally along the visible light spectrum. And to stab you with Time-Wolf spikes. That's my best guess, honestly.
Spend some time browsing this pack and questions come to mind. Who is Heather? Where did she find all these hardcore badass ani-wolves? Fortunately, I spotted a category called Heather and guess what. She's smokin' hot.
Red-HeatherThis one's from back when she was a redhead. It's a coy, provocative, yet classy pose that plays on the pin-up style. She's obviously got a great body. I only wish more than her name was animated. Still, very nice H-baby.
Heather Draws the LineAgain, we're just a hairsbreadth from really getting to know Heather. The animation is, again, a bit lackluster, but her form and face are rendered exquisitely. What a treat it would be to meet the artist and to be present on the day she sat for this portrait.
Heather ClauseA seasonal sexy (obligatory) nod to ani-gif lovers around the Holidays. She pulls it off and makes a great blond. A little too sweet for me. The only animation is a slight sparkle in the white Clause suit trim.
Crack that whip! Alright Heather! Boots, a cat-o-nine tails, and a "get your ass over here" gesture make this my favorite of Heather's ani-portraits. Forget fancy name script. How about a sans-serif system font, slave? She's kinked alright. In fact, if you dig a little deeper, it starts to get disturbing.
Jesus Christ. And this is the tame stuff. Seriously, there are some gifs on that page that I wouldn't post here and I'd post a lot of stuff here. Frankenstein's monster is one thing Heather, but did you really have to bust out the still-beating hearts? How many bon-bon breathing housewives have come to you looking for farting angels and ended up with a face full of Satan's dick? That said, I'm adding the Hanged Man to my e-mail auto-signature. So thanks for that, I'll donate to your PayPal account.
Like a microcosm of the internet, Heather's Animations succeeds in being everything to everybody. Here you will find joy, companionship, strange racism, laughter, horror, and maybe lose your innocence in the pay for play Adult Section. I wouldn't know.
What I do know is ani-gifs have a rightful place in the history of internet culture and I'm happy that people like Heather are carrying the torch for future generations. I had forgotten how much fun they can be. And soon I will forget again.
This post is dedicated to square dance caller Jurgen Vogl of Bayern, Germany for introducting me to Howly, the greatest ani-gif of all.