2/16/10

Made-in-China                                                                                                                                        
novelty brain erasersWhen I was younger, I loved flipping through Oriental Trading Company catalogs. Of course I'd never actually purchase 500 multi-colored erasers shaped like human brains, but tremendously shitty products offered in huge quantities fascinate me.

Eventually I grew-up, left childish things behind, and moved on to Made-in-China.com, a website that makes the Oriental Trading Co.'s paper catalog look like a floppy wet pathetic waste of my time. OTC typically offers between 13 to 500 item lots. With Made-in-China.com, we're talking 50,000+ brain erasers. OTC has a bunch of cheap plastic novelty crap. MIC has that too, but they also offer everything else China manufactures. To top it all off, the product descriptions are frequently hilarious.

Ladies, gentlemen, I proudly introduce: Made-in-China.com Product Spotlight.





a glow in the dark putty substanceName: Nauty Putty
Model No: NP003
Manufacturer: Cheerful Toys Factory

MIC Description: Nauty Putty has been loved by the aliens for thousands of years. When you exert a sudden force on it, the putty acts like a solid. However, when you exert the force slowly, the putty shows the properties of a liquid. These weird features almost drove Newton crazy when he tried to found out how the aliens made the putty. Thanks to a crazy doctor, recently, he cracked the secrets of the putty and made it available to the earth.

isaac newton and Doc Brown discuss putty
 Sir Isaac Newton and a Crazy Doctor, Promethei of Nauty Putty

Thoughts: This is what Aliens fuck. With a sudden force. So nauty is this putty, it took none other than Sir Isaac Newton and Doc Brown from Back to the Future to unravel its complex mysteries. It glows in the dark and is fun to insert into inappropriate conversational context. Here's an example:

You:
Easygenius, you so sexy. I want you inside me.

Me: Damn that putty nauty, girl.



Model No: PDD
Manufacturer: Zhengzhou Dingli Drying Equip. Co.

MIC Description: Pump the original fecal sewage into the machine using slurry pump, then compress and separate the solid materials through screw axis equipped in the filter, while the liquid flows through the water outlet via the filter.

Thoughts:  Up to your knees in original fecal sewage? Zhenhzhou Dingli's got you covered, baby. They sell two different types of poultry dung dewaterers and can provide up to ten units a month. That's a lot of rooster poo. The perfect gift for one of your chicken shit friends.


a stupid baby girl dollName: Stupid Baby Girl
Model No: ESG016
Manufacturer: Zhejiang Daseng Toys Co.

MIC Description: Stupid Baby Girl, It could walk or talk with you, but it could Make his foreign teacher mad.

Thoughts: Can't decide what I like more, this product's name or the description that sounds like Elvis Costello trying to write a ballad while completely shit-faced. I wish the picture was bigger so I could read the card on her chest, which I can only assume is a list of all the reasons this baby is so stupid. Here's my best guess at what it says:

a detailed list of stupid baby girls faults



sexual stimulant named mr violentName: MISTER VIOLENT
Wearer: Male
Dosage: Take one pill 20 to 30 minutes prior to sexual activity.

MIC Precautions: Should be given carefully to the underage, Do not repeatedly use it in 24 hours, If erect time after time or do not ejaculate,Please drink some cool boiled water.

Thoughts: Made-in-China offers no real description of what this product is or what it is supposed to do. The only clues are the product's category: "Oral Taken Sex Enhancement" and the picture of people screwing on the box. The manufacturer is not disclosed, probably because they threatened MIC employees with Colombian neckties if they did not remain anonymous.

Mister Violent makes a serious bitch of all our weak-ass American over the counter sex pills. What sounds more appealing? Horny Goat Weed? Or Mister Violent? Enzyte? Mister Violent? This is a product that simply screams, "Shut the fuck up."  It's like Takeshi Kitano personally designed a sex supplement.



takeshi kitano suicides
MR. VIOLENT himself, Takeshi Kitano.

Before taking, my only concern is just how violent will Mr. Violent get? Are we talking like fun-rough-safeword-sex violent? Or are we talking wake up with a splitting headache, back away from the bed whimpering and crying, steal a car, change your name kind of violent?

If things get out of hand, try drinking some cool boiled water.


That's it for this Made-in-China.com Product Spotlight. Tune in next time for more gems from the country that makes what makes America great.




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