3/1/10

Fun with Religious Pamphlets

I like to start my mornings with a nice big Styrofoam cup of rage and this article about a religious pamphlet circulating in Virginia really did the trick. Who knew that sexual assault victims were basically ungodly pro-bono harlots?

To calm down, I'm having a cathartic laugh at some of my favorite religious tracts.

What to do to go to hell pamphlet
Title: what to do to go to HELL
Publisher: Good News & Crossway

I originally picked this up off the street because I was looking for fun day trip ideas. Boy was I ever disappointed! Why? Because it's empty. This single fold tract is blank inside because you're already going to HELL just for being a human being. 

Not convinced? The tract's backside explains:
That’s right. There’s nothing more we need to do to go to Hell. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
So there. You're fucked. Sorry to ruin your day. Bet that ice cream doesn't seem so tasty now, does it little-girl-who-didn't-have-a-care-in-the-world-five-seconds-ago? You're gonna burn in Hell. And there's no ice cream there to soothe your blistering tongue.



Christ Scenes Investigations, Palestine pamphletTitle: Christ Scene Investigations: Palestine
Publisher: Good News & Crossway

Somebody at Good News must think they're really flipping clever right about now. Here's the publisher's pathetic justification for this fine little piece of copyright infringement:
The gospel of John contains sufficient evidence to convict Christ of the ultimate crime (according to the Jews), that of being God. Investigate His seven miracles and examine the evidence for yourself. 
After examining the evidence, I came to the only possible conclusion: 
sacrilegious david caruso joke about jesus

I'm really sorry about that.




ridiculous jack chick tract
Title: Anything by Jack Chick
Publisher: Chick Publications Inc.

Ah, Jack Chick, probably the worst of all wacked out Christian cartoonists. Yes, even worse than the guy who drew B.C. In The Beast Jack shares with us his delightful conception of the apocalypse and nobody can cram more sin into a single panel than the Chickster. Take this first frame. It's got adultery, violence, drug use, homosexuality, gambling, general hatred, and I'm pretty sure there are people dancing. Clearly time for a cleansing wrath of God. 
ridiculous jack chick tract
Probably the most unsettling quality of a Chick Tract is his morbid attention to detail. When paired with some of the Bible's freakier verses, these drawings really strike a nerve if you aren't prepared for them.

Yes Chick is good, really good. But sometimes I get the feeling he's enjoying drawing sinners just a little too much. Take for example this excerpt from Doom Town: Story of Sodom.




ridiculous jack chick tract
ridiculous jack chick tract

ridiculous jack chick tract


ridiculous jack chick tract
After listening to a group of homosexual terrorists threatening to contaminate the U.S. blood supply with AIDS (I told you Jack Chick was nuts) a local reporter/man-of-God relates the story of Sodom and Gomorrah to the crowd. Which gives Jack Chick an excuse to spend maybe a little bit too much time drawing this panel:
ridiculous jack chick tract
There are a hundred gems like this to be found at www.chick.com. My recommendations are:

The Unwelcome Guest- An explanation of how Freemasons have winged lizard demons living inside of them.
The Death Cookie- How Catholics got duped by Satan into worshiping a false idol: the communion cracker.
Flight 144- A couple with 50 years of missionary experience goes to Hell because they put too much emphasis on good deeds and not enough on Jesus.
There Go the Dinosaurs- Dinosaurs were hunted to extinction by man after Noah's flood reduced the oxygen content of the atmosphere and made larger animals easier to catch. Seriously.

satirical god is fake pamphlet



Title: God is Fake
Publisher: Normal Bob Smith Ministries


Today we'll end with a wonderful anti-tract from NormalBobSmith.com. The inside is even better than the front so I recommend stopping by for a read. You can even print your own copies and pass them out in front of Jack-in-the-Box! Or leave them in airports. Or public restrooms. Or confession booths.


UPDATE: Cheese and Rice, jesus freaks can dish it out but can't take it. Direct your outrage at this for a moment: Atheist Cartoonist Arrested

11 comments:

  1. God Love you! I just had a great laugh about a serious topic. http://www.mycoignofvantage.typepad/blog

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yup, Chick tracts are rather artistically detailed. Might even be overboard by some standards. BUT... they illustrate (literally) how ugly sin is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Moejj- Thanks for stopping by and freeing my mind. Now go whip yourself in the basement for reading hardtolive.com.

    Kids, remember, the only thing Jack Chick "literally" illustrates is how ugly and deeply harmful religious mental illness can become.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "how ugly sin is"

    Having seen two guys sinnin', it's actually rather attractive.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @anonymous 3/8/2010 3:46

    Quick, take off your shirt so we can Top Gun High Five.

    ReplyDelete
  6. There's a film of "Doom Town!" Have you seen the film which has nine adaptations of Jack Chick tracts? It's called "Hot Chicks" and it's great. My favorite is "Bewitched" done with puppets. There is also "Somebody Goofed" and "Wounded Children" and a bunch more. I found my copy at www.316now.com. It seems like something you'd like.

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  7. @ Anonymous 03/10/2010 6:10PM-

    I have NOT seen that. Nor did I know it existed. Sounds wonderful and I will certainly check it out. Thank you Anonymous voice from the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mock now, mourn later. Bet on it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @ jimmy crack corn

    ...and I don't care. Bet on it.

    Also, I hereby invite you to be a guest blogger for one post on hardtolive.com. Contact in profile.

    ReplyDelete
  10. WHERE'S WALDO?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Death to the atheist dogs!!! And Orientals who worship the devil!

    ReplyDelete

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