3/9/10

The Best of Yahoo Answers: Hamster Edition

This post was originally going to be called: Top Ten Things I Want To Throw A Hamster Into  but I couldn't get any farther than the Bootie Butler, seen below.

Rather than abandon the topic of hamsters completely, I thought I'd take a moment to answer a few hamster related Yahoo Questions. Let's start with an easy one.

best of yahoo answers
A: Hello Ryan and, whoah, great question. A lot of people would tell you not to throw the hamster at all. I'm not that kind of people.

While the answer is certainly subjective and the final decision is yours and yours alone, my advice is to throw your hamster at your dog's face moderately hard. Imagine tossing a whiffle ball to a toddler. That's about how hard I'd throw your hamster at your dog's face. Keep in mind that you may only get one shot at this. I'd say there's a 50/50 chance that your dog will eat your hamster immediately.

best of yahoo answers
A: Hello Tiny! You've asked for help at a critical moment in your hamster's life cycle. Don't worry, little squeaker didn't get sick. He's just ready to be milked! The milk that came out during ball-time smelled bad because it had been in the hamster too long. I'm surprised the pet store didn't warn you about hamster-lactation. I'm no expert on the subject so I suggest you go to Blockbuster Video and ask for one of the many video tutorials available on the subject.

best of yahoo answers
A: Leor. The low squeak definitely means that your hamster is talking directly to you. You and no one else, Leor. Most likely he's trying to communicate one of a few common hamster phrases.

1. Leave me alone, Leor. I'm sad.
2. You're too old to have a hamster, Leor.
3. When are you going to put a freaking female syrian hamster in here. Seriously, you'd be out five bucks and I could get laid for the rest of my life.
4. What kind of a name is Leor? It's like your parents had a stroke in the middle of naming you Leon.


best of yahoo answers
A: Sigh. Mandy, if I had a nickel for every time somebody asked me this question. Unless you got your hamster from a laboratory experimenting with stem cells, little hammy's ear will not grow back. Perhaps you would be happier with a more durable, regenerative pet...like a starfish or a salamander. Or you could just quit burning your hamster's ears off. Bitch.

best of yahoo answers
A: Jessica, I'm curious why you seem to think the solution to your desperate hamster problem is getting more hamsters. But this isn't really about pets is it? Clearly you're transferring feelings about your babydaddy onto your "mean" little hamster. Try reading your question from that perspective.

You've got to get away from this guy, Jesse. He's no good and he has a temper. He may also have a personality disorder if he really does make you wash your hands before you touch him so they don't smell like food. You deserve better. How long before he hits you Jessica? How long?

If I'm wrong and this is a valid hamster question, consider this my answer:

"Nuh-uh, girl. I wouldn't put up with that shit if I was you. If my hamster be getting mad and biting me I'd be all like 'I buy your food motherfucker. I'm gonna make you drink vodka. I'm gonna turn you into a hat for my guinea pig.'"


best of yahoo answers
A: Oh. My. God. That's not funny. That is not funny. That is the saddest Yahoo question I've ever read. Read it again. Bill F'ing Shakespeare didn't have the kind of narrative mastery that Roxy displays in her harrowing post. This is worse than the ending of Where the Red Fern Grows. I almost cried. No, you know what? I did cry. Fuck you.

eulogy for a dead hamster
UPDATE: My unconscious mind must have already known this, but my waking brain was surprised to hear that the official Yahoo Answers mascot is a hamster named Yamster. Go Figure.
yamster the yahoo hamster

5 comments:

  1. THIS IS SOOOOO GREAT!
    poor Furbbee

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow this is funny as hell, I want more of this type of thing!

    I agree about poor Furbee and also I am sure it's more than a 50/50 chance that the dog will eat the hamster immediately. Dogs get hungry pretty often throughout the day and they'll gladly gorge themselves on a delicacy like a hamster even if they are full.

    ReplyDelete
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