4/15/10

Bulletproof Everything!

bulletproof t shirt Good news everyone! Bulletproof t-shirts are on their way to the market. News.com.au says it all in a few bulletpoints.
  • Tee dipped in third-hardest material
  • Can capture bullet, says professor 
  • Also blocks ultraviolet rays, radiation
 This shit's dipped in boron, the world's third-hardest material right behind quantum mechanics and my ex girlfriend's heart. Sure it sounds like another sensational fluff piece about tech we'll never get to play with, but they did talk to a professor, so that's a good sign right? 

vintage bulletproof vest testFor added protection, wear the bulletproof tee under your slashproof hoodie. All of which should be covered by your bulletproof raincoat. If you have a dog, I'd recommend one of these. I know what you're saying, "Edward, you're being ridiculous. What do you need a bullet proof vest for? What a waste of BANG" and then you stopped talking because your lung was punctured by a hot metal slug. Who would have thought a stray drive-by-shooting bullet would catch you in the chest while we were arguing/making love in a public park restroom? I would have. That's why I'm wearing my gear.

Probably the funniest/saddest products on the bulletproof market are backpacks for kids. There's "My Child's Pack- The Original Bulletproof Backpack Shield" which is sold-out right now, but you can see it in action in this video news report. Try not to laugh at how choppily they've cut the reporter's VO to cram in as much nat sound as possible.

Still not scared enough to spend $300? Maybe these handy figures from bulletblocker.com will help.
  • The Average Cost of an Emergency Room Visit = $1250
  • The Average Cost of a Burial or Cremation in the U.S. = $7,000 - $10,000
  • The Average Family of 4 Spends on Soda per Year = $600
Clearly it's a lot cheaper to buy a bulletproof backpack than to pay for your son/daughter's funeral. Even if she's only got a flesh wound or a torn artery or something, it's still going to cost you in the emergency room. I mean which do you value more, soda-pop or the life of your child? The numbers just make sense. So quit lying to yourself, uzi's are a huge problem at elementary schools these days.

guns that bulletproof backpack protects against
That's a lot of protection, if used properly. See the bulletproof backpack isn't a passive device meant only to protect  the back. Really it's more of a gladiator's shield. Imagine giving your kid the product's instructions on the first day of school:

Hold pack between yourself and the shooter using the shoulder straps as handles. Use as a shield to provide cover for upper torso and head whenever possible. While taking shelter use pack to protect yourself in the direction of the threat. While running away, hold pack high on your back or in the direction of the threat to protect your head and upper torso (vital organs).

kid behind bulletproof backpack Bulletproof backpacks may be the duck and cover of our generation. Just look at this poor kid from another supplier's site. He looks like he's inside the damn thing. I'd put money on him becoming the school shooter after years of getting mocked for his dorky ass backpack. 

It's SO much bigger than he needs, right? Wrong. Look at the sideview. There's a whole chick back there! Sadly, if you're spending $600 on soda every year, your kid's probably to fat to fit behind it.

Since I'm too old for the backpack and the T-shirt isn't ready yet, my favorite personal protection item continues to be the *bulletproof pocket square. Though the obligatory disclaimer sort of puts a damper on my invincibility fantasies.

 *If a gun is aimed at you, fired, and the slug hits you, you will be hurt despite the properties of the square; The impact of the projectile itself is likely to fracture your bones bones and bruise you.

1 comment:

  1. Does it have to be drycleaned? Because I have a really hard time taking things to the cleaners.

    ReplyDelete

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