1. USA Network's- "In a Minute"
In a minute. In a minute. In a minute. In a minute. Al-fucking-right already. Next time just fade up on the program and spare me the first eight seconds. The "In a Minute" voices haunt my adult life. USA ran these supposedly educational/entertaining shorts during a fantastic programming block called Cartoon Express. Just watching this Cartoon Express promo makes me want to eat generic brand lemon creme cookies and fall asleep after my great aunt puts on the 700 club.
2. ABC's- "After these messages..." IDs
Let's skip right over the part where I was gender confused by the head swap during the first one of these despicably catchy network IDs. For nearly two decades I've been singing this in the shower, in my car, at the grocery store, in coin-op nudie booths, and at funerals. Clearly it's never going away and at this point, I just wish the god damned thing was longer.
3. The Bagelbites Song
In 1990, Bagel Bites murdered my metabolism in cold blood. Having the song stuck in my head has been a near daily reminder of why I was a fat, albeit jolly, child. It's pizza you can have any time. And the commercial told my mom she should feel good about giving them to me. Nothing better than throwing down half a dozen pizza bagels followed by two blueberry frosted pop-tarts and a glass of chocolate milk while watching Saved by the Bell. Why, as an adult, do I no longer eat those things? They didn't get any less great. And fuck no I don't toast my pop-tarts. You too good for the microwave? Fuck you.
4. The Crossfire Song
You know, I was a pretty lucky kid and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I never got a Crossfire board. It was like Hungry Hungry Hippos with machine guns and, according to the commercial, you can use it like a hoverboard. I love how the song deteriorates into simply repeating "Crossfire" before culminating in a wailin' rock scream that would make Robert Plant jealous. Apparently I'm not the only one who's gotten caught up in the Crossfire.
5. ExciteBike Title Theme
Boop-oop-boop-doo-doo-doo. Boop-oop-boop-doo-doo-doo. So horribly horribly catchy. I often find myself trying to time my orgasms so they finish with this song as it loops endlessly during love-making sessions. Now that I think about it, Excitebike is a pretty good metaphor for my entire sexual career: briefly entertaining, ultimately frustrating, and I'm better at it than most of my friends.
6. Aaron Neville's Cotton Commercials
Oh dear God, I would rather watch the part of Ghost where Patrick Swayze pushes Whoopie Goldberg's penny up the door a hundred times in a row than ever hear Aaron Neville's cotton song again. His verge of tears voice mixed with the smolderingly sincere visuals make me want to cry every time. I remember as a kid thinking, "What? What should I buy? How can I buy this? How can I buy grandpa and grandma dancing so they won't die?" Those cotton-pushin' bastards are still traumatizing kids. Look at this little psycho's reaction to a modern cotton spot. I think he truly has a cotton phobia.
7. Eureka's Castle Theme
Obscure? Well, if the name Batley doesn't ring a bell, consider yourself lucky. The singing/gargling fish of Eureka's castle narrate my dreams to this day. Full disclosure about me and this show: I was probably too old to be watching it when I did, and I think I may have been sexually attracted to Eureka. Yes, to a puppet. No I am not currently a furry. Yes, I have considered it.
|Am I crazy or is she kinda hot?|
8. The Song that Doesn't End
The producers of Lamb Chop should be tried by a war crimes tribunal for human rights violations. I wish America had hung that fucking puppet instead of Saddam Hussein. And don't act like you aren't loving every second of it, Shari Lewis. You knew exactly what you were doing. You and your cronies rolled around on piles of money whistling the Song that Doesn't End, knowing it would practically ruin my entire adulthood. Shari, may you find the peace in death you have denied so many in life.
9. My Buddy/Kid Sister
Clearly I'm scarred for a reason. Look what this clip starts with. Unbelievable. The My Buddy/Kid Sister song made me an alcoholic. You know they ran this spot fifty times a day. And for what? A fucking floppy assed doll. Sure he's great for playing lonely rough-blanket naptime but can it even sit on a skateboard? Fuck no. When I was a kid, I only wanted a My Buddy doll so I could beg it to kill me when this commercial was on TV.
10. Discovery Zone Commercial
Discovery Zone, yet another product/service that I'm intimately familiar with but have never used. For some reason, my parents didn't like the idea of me lounging in a pit of slimy urine balls like I was chillin' at the Playboy grotto. Seriously, how sick would you get after spending more than five minutes at a Discovery Zone? I'd rather lick fifteen hospital doorknobs. And watch out for the head-to-head collisions waiting around every corner of that overgrown hamster maze. Also, you call that a mountain? I call bullshit.
That's it for this trip down memory lane. Remind me what I missed in the comments. After these messages, we'll be right back.